


A Surprising Amount of Anger...

by AllHallowsEve



Series: Wincest Colored Glasses [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Angst, Attempted Murder, Episode: s01e10 Asylum, Fear, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Pre-Slash, Self Loathing, Wincest - Freeform, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:38:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: The boys follow coordinates from John to an asylum.  Their emotions get away from them.Episode 10 as seen through Wincest colored glasses.





	A Surprising Amount of Anger...

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of Wincesty goodness to be had in this one, with all the emotions that are running rampant in the episode.
> 
> As always, this is unbeta'd, so please let me know of any mistakes you find.

When the coordinates came in on Dean’s phone he couldn’t have been more relieved.  Fear had reared its ugly head again, ever since Kansas, that something bad really had happened to their dad.  Dean couldn’t bear to believe it, but with his pleading message he had left for their father, it should have brought John back home.  And yet, he was still nowhere to be found.  So the dread that Dean had thought he’d left behind had begun to creep slowly, but surely, back in, filling his mind with all sorts of horrible scenarios of a violent end for his father.

But now these coordinates had to have come from their dad, and Dean couldn’t have been more thrilled.  He and Sam, on a case, their dad alive, still missing but alive, Dean was happy just to be following orders from his old man, getting to do what he loved, with Sam by his side.

In many ways, it was better than actually having John here.  He could relish the time with Sam, even when he was being pissy about their dad.  Dean had thought maybe that would change after the incident with the bugs. Sam had genuinely seemed to want to make peace with their father.

But Kansas had gotten under Sam’s skin.  It was like John not showing up, when it involved their home, made Sam forget that he wanted to make up.  He seemed to take it as a personal slight or something.  So Dean told Sam, that maybe John would meet them at the new coordinates.  It was more of a clue about where he might be than anything they had had in months.

He would have said anything to get Sam out of his pissy mood and into the car.  Dean just loved being on the road with Sam.  Wanted to enjoy it, and was tired already of Sam’s renewed angry attitude about John.

John’s coordinates led them to information about a cop who had supposedly killed his wife and then himself.  That was the only info they had to go on about the case. 

When they rolled into town, they hit up a local bar in Rockford, where the dead cop’s partner was known to hang out.  The brother’s played good cop bad cop, so to speak, with the man, Sam pushing Dean around and telling him to leave the police officer alone.  It worked like a charm, but as Dean sat outside waiting for his little brother to get all the dirt on the cop and maybe why he killed his wife, Dean had to wonder.

Sam’s anger in the bar seemed more than acting to him.  He wasn’t sure what was up with his kid brother but something seemed off.  Sure, he knew Sam was upset at their dad, but that seemed to be Sam’s baseline, had been since he turned 15 and didn’t seem to be easing up as he grew older.

The time away had only simmered the hard feelings instead of letting them dissipate. 

But the way Sam had glared at Dean, had pushed him back against the bar sharply, that wasn’t the normal amount of acting, necessary to sell the story.  There was obviously something at play that Dean didn’t understand.  He thought back to their recent interactions. 

Nothing came to mind that would cause Sam to be upset with him.  When Sam came strolling out of the bar later, Dean confronted him about it, but Sam blew him off.  Launching into the info he had gathered from the guy, sticking to the details about the case, acting like nothing was wrong between them.

Internally though, Sam’s nerves were raw.  He knew he wasn’t handling things well.  Ever since Kansas, he could tell Dean was worried about their Dad.  He knew Dean didn’t want to admit it, but he could tell Dean wasn’t sleeping.  The job in Kansas had really affected his brother badly.  He had tried bringing it up a couple of times since then, but Dean was being unusually cagey, even for him.

But every time Sam brought up their dad, Dean got upset, not wanting to hear that he could be in danger, or even possibly dead.  Then just like magic, as soon as those coordinates had come in this morning, according to Dean, everything was all right with the world again.  Sam couldn’t stand it.  He hated the way Dean jumped to attention at the slightest whiff of orders from their father.  _Who obviously was fine, by the way, he could text them coordinates to a job, but couldn’t bother to find out how the boys had faired going back to their old homestead, seeing their mother’s fucking ghost, thank you very much, you selfish son of a bitch._

Sam needed to calm down, needed to just focus on the case.  He managed somewhat, until they made it inside the asylum.  Dean had taken to carrying around John’s journal in his coat pocket, like missionaries carried around the Bible.  It ground on Sam’s already frayed nerves, as soon as Dean whipped it out in the asylum’s foyer.  Yes it was helpful to know what John had collected about the case, but it didn’t make it any easier for Sam to swallow.

Then when they began walking the halls, checking out the South Wing, which seemed to be the center of all the bad things happening here, Dean started in on crap about Sam’s premonitions or whatever it was that he was plagued with.

His asshole brother said, “Let me know if you see any dead people, Haley Joel.”

Dean had been incorrectly saying Sam had E.S.P. ever since he admitted to the precognitive dreams, in order to save the family back in Lawrence.  This was the kind of shit that Sam had been worried about from the beginning.  Granted, he had feared far worse, but the tone in Dean’s voice, even though he was saying that he was just trying to protect Sam, explaining that ghosts could be attracted to him, because of his gifts. Dean’s tone didn’t make it sound like he was trying to be helpful.  It sounded like he was making fun of Sam.

His tone was belittling, and even though Dean at least accepted Sam, which was far better than his fears had led him to believe would happen, he was treating him like he was a freak, which hurt Sam more than he could put into words.  If he were to share his feelings with Dean, which he most decidedly would not be doing.

Sam did have to admit though, when Dean asked him “Hey Sam, who do you think is a hotter psychic, Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or you?” His heart stopped momentarily. 

Dean’s laugh was the same derisive chuckle he would have expected with any of Dean’s teasing.  But the thought that the question, as bratty as Dean was being, actually insinuated Dean thought Sam was hot, that made Sam’s breath run fast.  He knew for a fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt was a major contributor to images included in Dean’s spank bank.  He had been told often enough through the years that Dean found her incredibly sexy.  So the fact that, even in teasing, Dean would compare Sam to her, in any way, it made Sam’s spine tingle.

He played it off, hitting his brother in the arm, as he would with any annoying tease from him, but it shook Sam.  It was the first time, he ever felt any, even tiny, spark of hope that maybe Dean could look at him in that way.  He shook his head. _There is no way_.  His brother was just stupidly trying to get under his skin.

Dean tried several times to get Sam to smile, using a joke about the asylum being like the one in Jack Nicholson’s Cuckoo’s Nest, but his best attempts fell flat.  Then Sam started in again about Dad and his not being here after all.

Sam said that their Dad could be in trouble, complained that at the very least, they deserved answers.  Dean fought back saying that their Dad had given them an order and they just needed to follow it.

Dean found a plaque, in the rubble of crap left around in one of the old treatment rooms.  It said “Sanford Ellicott, Chief of Staff.  It was a clue at least, about where to start digging on what might have caused there to be hostile spirits in this old place.

Their research found out that Sanford Ellicott had a son, who was also a psychiatrist.  They figured the best way to get information was to send Sam in as a new patient, to see what he could dig up.  It sounded much more straightforward than it turned out to be for the younger Winchester.

Dr. Ellicott was good at his job.  He could see that Sam was uncomfortable and not being honest about his own feelings, especially about the road trip with his brother.  Sam obfuscated a bit longer. After which, the doctor cut to the chase, telling Sam that he would answer anything he wanted to hear about the asylum, and the riot that had happened there, if Sam would answer his questions first. Sam became incredibly uncomfortable, since the doctor’s first question was how Sam felt about Dean.

How was he supposed to answer that?  He could never put his true feelings out verbally to someone else.  How do you justify being in love with your older brother?  Wanting to do unspeakable things to, and have done by him, since you first hit puberty.  How could he possibly put that into actual words?  It was one of the oldest and most universal taboos in most societies, incest is just not okay, not even legal in most places.  Not that legalities ever stopped the Winchesters, who hustle pool, scam credit cards and did all kinds of breaking and entering in their line of work.  But incest, even for extreme outlaws like their family, that would be wrong and completely unacceptable. 

But this doctor seemed to know his business.  Could tell when Sam was bullshitting, so he dug deep and expressed some of the frustration he was having with Dean about their dad and their upbringing instead.  It was real enough that the doctor accepted it and even filled him in on all the horrible stuff that happened at the asylum during the riots.

Dean stood outside, propped against the outer wall of the building Sam had gone into, in order to get information about the asylum.  He was becoming more and more agitated with each passing moment.

Sam had been gone way too long.  It should have been an easy in and out.  Instead he was taking forever.  Dean’s mind jumped all around, trying to figure out what Sam might be spilling to this shrink.  Sam has been so unhappy with their dad, he was sure that was part of what Sam might be in there bitching about. But what if he was talking about Dean?  Or, what if he was turning to the doctor for help?  He had been through so much this year with Jessica’s death.  Giving up on school, which had always been Sam’s golden ticket for a normal life. 

Sam had always been more of the ‘let’s talk it out’ type, than was comfortable for Dean.  Sam always wanted to communicate, just like back at the asylum when he had tried to get into it with Dean about their dad bailing on them yet again.

Dean knew Sam probably did need someone to talk to.  The only problem was, Dean didn’t want him to need anyone else but him.  He wanted to be Sam’s only confidant.  He wanted to be the shoulder Sam chose to cry on.  Unfortunately it felt to Dean that Sam was quick to turn to anyone but him, when he needed support.

He felt so sick to his stomach about Sam opening up to someone else.  Sharing and allowing himself to be vulnerable with someone other than Dean.  He knew this was a doctor, but it still made him feel sick at the thought of it.  At the thought of someone else getting to hear what made Sam tick. He had been gone four long years.  He wasn’t the same little brother that Dean had known every mood of, because of his beautiful expressive face.  At one time, Dean could understand every thought that played through Sam’s young mind, reading his face like a book because of all the shared hours, and all the ways Sam had confided in Dean, throughout his young life.

But the man he now shared the road with, shared his life with, was a complete mystery in so many ways.  His face shared many of the same expressive details, of the boy Dean had memorized, but there was a completely different depth and breadth to the language those expressions spoke now.

Sam kept much of himself hidden from Dean, as was proven by his not knowing about the premonitions, or feelings, or whatever the fuck kind of special powers his little brother had, and has had, for who knows how long.  Because Dean hadn’t gotten to be a part of his life, for four long fucking years.

He had to get a grip, his mind was circling around and around about Sam and it was making him crazy.

When Sam finally came walking out the door, it was such a relief.  A question flew out of Dean’s mouth without his permission, “What the hell were you talking about?”

He could have kicked himself for asking that.  He shouldn’t have seemed so desperate to know something like that.  Should have just acted nonchalant, assuming that what had been talked about was case related.

Luckily Sam flew right past his panicked question and just dove right into all the info he had learned about the asylum, so Dean didn’t have to face any fallout from his glaring mistake.

Sam explained that there had been a riot back in ’64, where the patients took over the asylum and killed the staff and each other.  He went on to say that some of the bodies were never even recovered, including the Chief of Staff Ellicott.  That somehow the patients had hidden the bodies somewhere and the police were never able to find them.  This led to the place being shut down and everyone being transferred, leaving behind some angry spirits.

The boy’s hunt that night in the old asylum turned unexpectedly into a search and rescue, when they found a young woman named Kat, huddled in the corner of one of the rooms.   She was scared and said that her boyfriend Gavin was somewhere else in the place but she couldn’t find him.  She said she had seen things that had petrified her, but she wasn’t leaving until they found him.  So the boys split up, much to both of their dismay.  Dean went with Kat, and Sam went on his own, both trying to find any signs of where Gavin might be.

Sam had a run in with one of the ghosts when the brothers had first gotten to the place that night, and it hadn’t tried to hurt him.  Then when he later found Gavin, the young man told Sam that the ghost he had been running from hadn’t tried to hurt him, only to kiss him and then tried to tell him something.

As Dean and Kat searched the hallways, Kat was pulled violently into a room and the door slammed shut behind her.  No matter how much Dean tried to pry it open, he couldn’t.  It was only once Sam got back to him and conveyed his theory about the spirits, not being malevolent, only wanting to be heard, that they were able to save Kat.  Sam convinced her to listen to the spirit and that did the trick, the door opened and she was able to get free.

As Sam was escorting Gavin and Kat out to safety, she began asking him questions.  She asked how they knew all that they did, and when he responded it was kind of their job, she asked if Dean was his boss.  Sam laughed bitterly and said no, but without much conviction.

He realized that that was one of the reasons he was so angry at Dean.  Dean was treating him the same way he had always treated him.  Like he was still the little kid that needed to be looked out for, and bossed around, because he didn’t know any better.  But that wasn’t who Sam was now.  He wasn’t sure exactly who he was, but he knew for damned sure that Dean didn’t have a right to boss him around anymore, and neither, for that matter, did their dad, especially when the son of a bitch wouldn’t even bother to show up and see if they were alright.

His maudlin angry discussion going on inside his head might never have ended, but he and the two civilians he was escorting ran into a dead end.  The way they had come in was barred and blocked and there didn’t seem to be any way out.  Sam quickly realized there was some other entity, one besides the benign patients, who seemed determined not to let any of them leave.

Dean had better luck when he went to find the room the spirit had told Kat about.  He found an old journal of Dr. Ellicott’s hidden behind a loose panel of the office.  It described all the ways that the doctor had mistreated his patients.

Sam’s luck just kept getting worse, as he left the civilians behind because of a phone call from Dean, telling him he was trapped in the basement by something bad, pleading with Sam to come help him.  He ran down to the basement, searching as quickly as possible, while still trying to be careful of ghosts.  He found his way into one of the lower rooms only to be assaulted by Dr. Ellicott himself. 

Dean nearly got his head filled with rock salt when he came around the corner where Sam had left Kat with one of the shotguns.  She explained that Sam was in the basement where Dean had told him to go, which filled Dean’s body with dread, knowing he hadn’t called Sam.  Clearly something had set a trap for his little brother and he had to go find him.

Dean breathed easier once he found Sam, explaining to him that Dr. Ellicott had tortured his patients, doing all kinds of inhuman experiments on them, in order to get them to release their rage.  Only it had some kind of backfiring effect, making them more and more angry, until they couldn’t take it anymore, which was why the riots had happened in the first place. He figured Ellicott must have gotten to the cop and that was why he killed his wife, and himself.

Dean told Sam they needed to find the doctor’s hidden procedure room where he did all his illicit experiments, in hopes that that was where the patients had hidden his body back in the riots.  Sam told him that sounded crazy, but Dean went for it anyway.

Dean had just found a secret door, but hadn’t had a chance to open it, when Sam turned on him.  With his nose bleeding, Sam motioned Dean away from the door with the shotgun, telling him to step away.

Dean told him to put the gun down but Sam asked threateningly, “Is that an order?”

Dean quipped, trying to ease the tension, “It’s more like a friendly request.”

Sam raised the shotgun, pointing it directly at Dean’s chest, replying “I’m getting pretty tired of taking your orders.”

Dean knew he was safe, knew the gun was loaded with only rock salt and he told Sam as much.  He barely got the words out, that it wouldn’t kill him, when Sam pulled the trigger, rock salt exploding against Dean’s chest hard enough that it knocked him backwards into the secret door, busting through it where he landed prone in the middle of the next room.

Dean came to with Sam looming over him, gun still in hand.  Dean tried to convince Sam that Ellicott had done something to him. That they had to burn the doctor’s bones so that Sam would be back to normal.

Sam looked down at Dean with contempt, saying “I am normal. I’m just telling the truth for the first time.”

He went on a rambling rage induced lecture, about Dean being a good little soldier.  How they shouldn’t even be at this place but they were here, because Dean was following their dad’s orders. Sam yelled at Dean, asking him if he was that desperate for John’s approval.

Sam told Dean that the difference between them, was that Sam had a mind of his own, he wasn’t pathetic like Dean.

Dean knew Sam was in the grip of the torturous doctor.  Hoped to all that he held holy, that Sam didn’t mean any of what he was saying, but something at the back of Dean’s neck prickled, telling him that these are all the things that had been eating at Sam since he’s been back.  Dean’s heart hurt to hear all the vitriol coming from the man he loved, whom he would do anything for, including die for.

When Sam said that he was sick of doing what Dean told him to do, Dean took out his gun and told Sam to just shoot him.  That if he wanted to kill him to just go ahead and do it, saying real bullets would work a hell of a lot better than rock salt.

As Dean stared up the barrel of his own gun, looking at Sam, his Sammy, staring back at him with nothing but animosity, bordering on madness, he asked him “Do you hate me that much?

Sam’s reply was like a punch to his gut, “No Dean, I love you.  I love you too much, and I can’t take it anymore, can’t take you being Dad’s little mindless soldier, not anymore.”

All the pain and guilt Sam had felt for so long, welled up inside him, turning into rage, as he pulled the trigger.  Sam’s face filled with confusion and frustration as the gun clicked empty.  He pulled the trigger several more times, failing to understand.

Dean used the distraction to grab his brother, take him down in one smooth move and retrieve his gun, before standing up to lecture his brother, who was snarling at him from the floor.

“Man, I’m not gonna give you a loaded pistol.”  He knocked his brother out with one hard punch, saying only, “Sorry Sammy.”

He pushed angrily through the dirty cloths hanging about, separating the various parts of the doctor’s evil workshop.  He had to find this fucker’s bones and burn them.  He was so furious for what the asshole had done to his brother that he wanted to smash the bones to bits before salting them and setting them on fire.  But he had to find them first.

He finally found the cabinet, holding the hidden bones, of the long dead doctor. He salted them and soaked them in lighter fluid, but before he could finish, a table rolled up and knocked him away. 

The moment he landed flat on his back, Dr. Ellicott attacked, sending shooting pain through his brain, filling his mind with confusion and agony.  But Dean was used to pain.  He had been suffering, but swallowing his emotions, since he was four years old.  He had it pretty much down to a science.  It gave him just enough leeway to not fall under the doctor’s thrall.  Giving him just enough rational thought left to allow him to reach over and find his lighter, throwing it against the bones.  The desiccated corpse went up like kindling.

Dean crawled away from the doctor, huddling against Sam’s prone legs, as he watched the ghost turn to hardened ash, falling over, breaking apart against the concrete floor. 

The brother’s escorted the civilians to safety and as they watched them pull away, Sam apologized to Dean for everything that happened.  He told Dean that he remembered it all, but hadn’t meant any of it.  That he couldn’t control what he was saying.

Dean absolutely didn’t believe him.  He had felt what the doctor was doing.  He wasn’t trying to lie or put thoughts into Dean’s head while he was attacking him.  He was pulling all of Dean’s own pain and fear and anger forward.  Sam didn’t know that Dean had been attacked by the doctor.  So he had no way of knowing that Dean understood that he must have meant every word he said.

As much as knowing that Sam resented Dean did hurt, he had known all along, a huge part of Sam’s rage was because he believed Dean always took John’s side in all their arguments.  Dean didn’t think that was true, but it had always been his little brother’s perception of their screwed up family dynamic.

So if that had been the only thing driving Sam, Dean could have let that go easily.  He would have never even thought twice about it.  Sam’s anger from that perspective was just an extension of his anger towards John, and that was nothing new.  It still hurt, and sucked that it was a wedge between them, maybe always would be, but it was not something he was unprepared to deal with.

The part that stuck with Dean though, the part that had his guts churning and tied up in knots, was the part where Sam confessed that he loved him, loved him too much in fact.  That part, he didn’t know what to do about, or how to even process what it meant.

It couldn’t mean what he wanted it to mean.  It was impossible that Sam’s love for him had anything to do with Dean’s disgusting need and desire for his little brother.  Sam was too white bread for that.  He had been in love with Jessica and was devastated by her death.  So the circles his brain kept running around in, hearing Sam say those words over and over on a loop, couldn’t be right.

He had no capacity to deal with this emotional conundrum, so he did what he always did, and swallowed it down.  He climbed into Baby, alongside his brother, and drove off into the morning sun, to find the nearest hotel and sleep it off.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well this one was definitely fun to do. The reason the internal tones and verbiage was so much more coarse was to describe the anger and frustration that was apparent from both men in this episode. The overall tone of the episode was much more aggressive than most, especially between the brothers, so I wanted to make sure to really flush that out. 
> 
> I also went a little farther down the Wincest rabbit hole since it seemed to fit in this one so well. Hope you all enjoyed it.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your continued support and for joining me on this journey through the series.


End file.
